Numb

Numb...no sense of fear, happiness, hope, rage, jealousy, like, lust, love...nothing.
Mad at myself for allowing such a diminutive feeling overtake me.
Annoyed that it all happened at the wrong time.
Irritated that the order was incorrect.
Dissappointed that i let me guard down.
It has happened.
Nothing I can do can change that.
All i can do now is, how can i put it, "charge it to the game".
Cant see through all the pain and tears that flow from my eyes.
Cant stop crying from something that never really was and never should have been.
Would i change it all if i could?
Yes.
What would i change?
That the summit was reversed.
That the latter was the first.
That things worked out better for the both.
The past is the past...but they were not trying to let it go.
I respected that.
If things happen, then i shall not stop it.
But at this point, nothing is promised and i must let all come to pass...

Emotionless...

Its funny how one day you can feel so happy and so much in like
And then the next day, you feel so alone, so used, so unappreciated
Feeling so blah is not the way to be
which is how it has to be some days
I miss the way you caressed my face as your soft lips kissed me tenderly
I miss the way you held me as i drifted off into a blissful slumber
Those things make me miss the idea of having that one person who completes me
But as of right now, i feel no emotion
No happiness, no sadness, no anger, no jealousy, no pain
Random thoughts run through my mind and you would think i would have something
Seeing you with my competition....i feel nothing
Maybe this is my heart telling me not to fight anymore
No need to chase after something that doesnt want to be caught
Maybe it is the time to let it go and let whatever be
So many thoughts but nothing can be conveyed....
I am officially numb....

Randomness!!!

Ok...so im not feeling all that well today....no im not sick...im just emotionally tired of all the bullshit that surrounds me...im tired of people pretending to be something or someone they arent...im tired of being the nice one all the time...im tired of people claiming they got this and got that just to try to get my attention...im tired of liars...im just tired!!!!...where the hell are you suppose to get in life if you pretend to be someone you arent??? No where!!!! so why continue to do it???...that makes no sense to me at all...im tired of caring so much about stuff and it gets me no where but hurt!...but thats the thing...thats the type of person i am....i wear my heart on my sleeve...people know how i am....i care about my friends and people that i know...i would never want to hurt their feelings but they are willing to hurt mine which is fucked up...whatever...i think i might just have to turn over a new leaf and give up on everyone...i should just start being a bitch and see where that gets me...but i cant...thats not me!!!

Im Scared!! :-/

Startled on how you make me feel

Anxious about seeing them

Nervous for what might happen in the future

Petrified that I'm falling so hard so fast

Terrified for that day to where those 3 words come out of my mouth unexpectedly

Uneasy about the confusion between my mind and heart

Traumatized on how emotional i get thinking bout you

Happy, sad, anxious, curious, confused, nervous, all in one

What are these signs telling me?

Am I falling in love?

I cant be, not this soon.

How do i contain these feeling that have taken control?

How do i regain all the power of my feelings?

Do i want to take control of them?

Or shall i let them stay in plain site and let that person see how i really feel?

What shall I do?

Someday

This is a poem i wrote in 2003 that was published in a book...tell me what you think.

Someday

Why must my feelings be this certain way?

Love, trust, confusion, anger. All of it.

Wondering if they would all go away.

Not present. Not even a little bit.

These emotions long for you every day.

Coming up without my knowing at all.

Knowing that you would most likely not stay.

Always here even when the night time falls.

You are constantly in all of my dreams.

So are the beautiful open fields.

Then out of no where comes evil like schemes.

Where my dream is gone and my hope is killed.

Now everything is back to the same way.

Wondering if you will pick me someday.

Let it go

I shall let it go because i dont feel like fighting anymore.

I dont like competing for anything

If it was meant to be, then it will be.

I dont like to have someone feel as though they have to treat me a certain way just because of what someone else has put them through

I will not stand in a shadow

I will see where this leads to...BUT

I will not do a thing

It will happen

Just let it happen.

What To Do?!!?

What do you when this new person may be the one that you want to go far with, even to the point on starting a family? oh what to do!!